Caring for your inner child when you’re home for the holidays.

I recently went home. All the way home, back to the USA to visit my family. It had been 6 years since I’d seen them in person. A part of me was very surprised it had been that long. With the ability to video chat at any time, in any place now readily available to us, I talk to them a lot.

But – as with all things – there are always going to be thoughts or worries about what to expect when you’re there. Our brains are great at bringing up all the wrong stuff, because clever brain wants us to stay safe. Experts says that emotional pain is registered in the brain just like physical pain, and so our brain remembers the bad fights and the uncomfortable times just like it would when we were hunter-gatherers. Our brains tell us to remember the plant that made us sick, stopping us from hurting ourselves further by putting unknown plants into our gob. But that doesn’t really help us live happy peaceful lives now, does it?

So here is your reminder: we are not our brains – we are more than that. We can ALSO remember the good times, the awesome times, the fun and silly times. The deep conversations over the fire, the last hugs, the way loved ones say our name.

As we grow up, we absorb and program information that we will call on for the rest of our lives. During the formative years from about 0 to 8, we create patterns that influence how we react to others, how we feel about ourselves, and when we go into fight/flight/freeze mode.

When we get back with our family members as adults, that programming can really kick in to the extreme. As many of us have likely experienced, it can be hard to not feel like the kid version of yourself again as soon as you see your parents (sorry, Mom and Dad). If you grew up in a challenging environment, going home for the holidays can feel… well… challenging.

So here are five tips to help you manage this:

1. Tend to your inner child before you go. This can be a journaling exercise going through what is making you feel anxious and accepting that it’s ok to feel this way. I also recommend ramping up your self-care. Fill up your ‘peace’ battery. I love yin yoga, meditations and calm, peaceful snuggles on the couch with a good book and a hot drink.

2. Stay mindful of your reactions. Mindfulness is key to navigating relational issues, especially when we fall into old patterns that don’t truly serve us. If we’re unaware of these patterns, it’s nearly impossible to change them, and family dynamics can be particularly challenging to recognise. Start by noticing any strong emotional response you experiences. Pause and observe how you feel without judgment. This will help you take clean and clear action.

3. Practice acceptance. A wonderful mantra to use is, “Can I let this person be who this person is?”. If necessary, repeat this in your head while carrying out the conversation. Stepping away from your need to change someone shifts your mental energy from focusing on them to listening to your inner child.

4. Along the same lines – recognise the other person’s inner child. When someone says they value something, can you recognise the deep-rooted child-like need hidden within it? For example: Someone might strongly feel that ‘freedom of speech is important’. In the conversation that might look like an argument about what we’re ‘allowed’ to post on social media but we can see deep down that it could be a desire to be listened to and understood; which we all crave. Notice that and make a connection to them through that.

5. Do a post event check-in. How are you feeling now? Acknowledging, understanding and hearing your inner child, without judgement, without labels. Just full of acceptance and love for your inner child.

When we can prepare adequately so that our inner child feels safe before a daunting experience knowing that we (the adults) will take care of things, you can make any situation – family or otherwise – feel more tolerable and maybe even enjoyable.

If this really resonated with you, reach out! I know these scenarios are not applicable to everyone. I know that, which is why I offer one to one Balance Your Life coaching. Where we go through each area of your life and if one area needs more support than another we work on that – with these kinds of tangible plans and results. I encourage you to check it out or book in a chemistry call with me if you just want to talk about it.

Big hugs lovelies,
Kayla